(This is not me: my body does not do this.)

I am a yoga phobic. Or a yoga skeptic. Or a yoga yo-yo. Any which way you put it, I just don’t feel like I belong among those hundred and thousands of people who are truly passionate about their yoga. And I’m wondering why that is?

I’ve dipped my toe into yoga-land several times over the years. I tried hot Bikram yoga before kids, kinda liked it but then over-extended my lower back and gave it up. I very much enjoyed prenatal yoga when pregnant mostly because the deep breathing parts would cause me to doze off and snore, right there on the mat. And I do like to sleep. I’ve tried a few other classes here and there which were either usually too tough, too crowded – and quite frankly frustrating because my body simply doesn’t bend that way (which, I hear you yelling, is why I need yoga.)

Also, I am anti-meditation and chanting and all that. I mean I’m all for you doing it and benefiting from it, but it’s really not for me. My brain is either on or it’s off – and when it’s off, it’s because it’s night time and I am asleep.

The only time I experience true meditation-like zen is when I eat cheese.

You see my problem?

I am not anti-exercise, don’t get me wrong. I enjoy exercise. I need exercise (otherwise my squishy bits just get squishier and eventually all join together into one large squishy blob.) Also, I get night cramps in my feet and legs if I don’t exercise regularly (that’s some kind of karmic revenge of the fitness gods, right there.) However, my pattern is usually that I get all into a form of exercise – say weight training, or running, or high impact training – and then either an old injury flares up (shoulder, lower back) or a new strain pops up (like right now, my hip) and I have to take a break. And then the squishies and the night cramps set in.

So, I’m willing to try to become a yoga convert. Intellectually,  I completely understand and respect the benefits of yoga. And that it’s old and trusted – not like many of the fitness fads that come and go. And people I know and love swear by it. I know it’d probably do me a lot of good.

Perhaps 2018 should be the year I get over my yoga phobia and get on the yoga bandwagon?

I need help. 

I’m not sure I’m ready for big classes at a fancy studio because they go too fast and because I’m not just a newbie; I’m a phobic and I’m tentative. And I don’t have all that lovely lycra wear. I’m also scared of doing it alone at home with a video or app or whatever because I’m fearful of overstretching or contorting myself and yanking something out of whack.

I believe I need to find a yoga coach. Someone who can advise me what type of yoga to attempt, which poses and flows I should do to best fit my body, mood. Someone to help me unstick limbs and joints that are quite stuck.

Does such a person exist? And could you pop over to my house at 6am a few times a week?